Monachopsis. The subtle- but persistent- feeling of being out of place.
I never knew there was a word for this feeling until I recently came back from Paris. It was the epic return two of my best friends and I have been dreaming about since we lived there two years ago. I’ve dreamt about these moments of returning to the city where I fall in love with life and myself over and over again countless times.
It might come off a bit pretentious that I love Paris so much, and I realize this feeling is a privilege to have. I’m lucky to feel out of place and be in a position where I can potentially change the whole course of my life. I’m even luckier that I’ve been to my favorite city three times- one of those times where I can say I fully lived, breathed, and embodied the culture.
It felt quite surreal seeing the Eiffel Tower through the plane’s window and driving around the Arc de Triomphe. I didn’t snap out of my three-hours-of-straight-shit-sleep daze until we were settled, showered, and back outside taking in the smell of cigarettes, bread, and the Seine. As my friends and I made our way to the Champ de Mars with the tourist-heavy crowd, I couldn’t help but feel this wave of calm come over me. That annoying buzz of anxiety in my chest I feel on the daily completely fizzed away.
I ventured back into Paris in this green wrap dress from Verge Girl. It was flattering and I felt super feminine; my 2019 summer vibe summed up in one outfit. I styled this with these delicate earrings (also from Verge Girl) and a pear hair-clip from Urban Outfitters. On my feet are my white mules from Lulu’s. It’s only July and those poor things are beaten up…but isn’t that true shoe love? My bag is from Target x WhoWhatWear. It unfortunately broke in the middle of Le Marais, and I only had my phone, wallet, and a lip gloss in there! To bring this dress into evening, I paired it with black sock heel booties and a black chain cross body. This dress is so effortless to me. It blends well in my closet, and for being green polka dots, is incredibly versatile. I love this fun pop of print and color in my overall neutral wardrobe. This look is the opposite of monachopsis- I feel very much myself, nothing about me felt at all out of place.
The City of my Dreams
It’s nearly impossible to put into words what Paris does for me. The spirit and soul of the city touch me in a profound and overwhelming way. It’s reinvigorating; a fresh sense of living pumping back in my veins. Some hidden part of me that I didn’t know existed woke up. There was a click and sigh of relief: Ah, this is where I’m meant to be. Monachopsis (the more I say it the more it sounds like a disease) is a force that’s driving me to seek and explore more of what makes me happy.
I think we all have a place where we feel extraordinarily like ourselves. Whether that be your hometown where you grew up, a community of people you deeply connect with, or somewhere you’ve only heard stories or seen pictures of. The concept of home is much more complex than we were lead to believe in elementary school. Paris gave me strangers who became soulmates (Hi Sarah and Liz!!), a culture and perspective on life that makes sense to me, and reignited a fire for living that I feel inspired every day to tend to.
Do you feel monachopsis too? Where’s your place where you feel your best self?
My other style diaries are housed here. Until next time,
*I don’t make any affiliate money from the links I post. If I can’t find the exact style (i.e. Verge Girl Dress and Urban Outfitters hair clip) I’ll send you to styles that are similar so you can peruse yourself!